What does it mean to be a person of color? Seriously. I’m confused.
I can’t count the number of times I have opened my laptop and google searched “Are Latin folks people of color?” Without fail, I always read something along the lines of “POC refers to people that are not White.” I then stare at my White skin. Am I really White, White or am I White-passing? I can feel the anxiety building. What if I am too White to be Latina? I understand the notion that “Hispanic/Latinx” are ethnicities — by this definition any race can be Hispanic/Latin. But to be a White Latina?
Full disclosure: My mother is Puerto Rican and my father is White. I grew up in Latin America in a Latin household, eating Puerto Rican food, speaking Spanish, and surrounded by my peoples. I didn’t know I was Latina until I moved to the US at fifteen. It was here that I was reminded of my ethnic background by teachers and peers. I remember feeling confused when asked where I was from. I remember my passport reading “AMERICAN” — I thought of my Puerto Rican heritage. I felt disconnected to the US and deeply foreign in a land that was supposed to be mine.
Almost every day for the past however many years I have questioned my identity. I feel like a fake Latina. Most days I wake up and fully claim “I am Latina.” But then I hear this voice say “You’re not brown enough to really be Latina. You wear red lipstick and big hoops and try so hard to be something you will never be. Give up. If anything, you are appropriating Latin culture.”
But then I remember, I grew up in Latin America as a Puerto Rican. How could my experience not be inherently Latin? That is not to say that those Latin people who grow up in the US are not Latin enough. Their experiences as Latin folks are valid simply because it is their lived-experience as a Latin person. So, why can I not say this to myself?
And then I wonder…
How can I be White if the White, White guy who just walked out of the Reitz Union yelled “Go back to your country” after listening to me speak Spanish on the phone? How can I be White, if the White, White girl at the bar asked if I “had my green card” after hearing I was Puerto Rican?
How can I be White if I love my arroz con gandules with extra salsa rosada? How can I be White if I love listening to my abuela tell me stories about picking mangos and catching cangrejos?
People have made hurtful remarks to me, but those questions did not stop me from achieving all that I have – at least not at an institutional level. I don’t feel White, but I would be remiss not to state I benefit from my light skin. I am privileged. My White privilege was granted to me by a system I didn’t choose.
I don’t know.
What I do know is that I feel most at home with my Puerto Rican community, but I don’t always feel connected to the Puerto Rican or Latinx diasporic community. Many of the Latin students here, grew up in the US and have Latinx (as in U.S.) experiences. Similarly, I never grew up in Puerto Rico. My Puerto Rican family and friends constantly ask me why I don’t have a Puerto Rican accent. So where do I belong?
I feel like I’ve experienced what it’s like to have an incredible cultura, even if a little diluted in too much water from a can of freshly opened Goya beans, which makes the thought of being a White person with no apparent sazόn seem empty.
I am trying so hard to understand myself. Especially the part of me that feels “othered.” That is, I am trying to understand my Latina identity within the hegemony of Whiteness. This hegemonic, age-old colonial system deems every person of color as somehow less than their White counterparts. But I am not treated as less-than based on the color of my skin. This is what makes me feel like I am not really Latina. I feel like if I were a real Latina, then I would be mistreated, like my Black and Brown brothers and sisters or literally my primos.
So what is the problem? Two words: White hegemony. These structures of power that deem some of us worthy and some of us not based on skin color must be purposefully disrupted and sabotaged. I am Latina. Regardless of what others inside and outside my culture may say. It is my cultura. My arroz con gandules, my labios rojos, my sarsillos. My culture and how I grew up has played a huge role in how I see the world. It is these experiences that have given my life meaning and so, so much beauty.
Reality Check: Some of us have been granted privileges because of our White or near-White skin. It is our duty to use these privileges to uplift our Black and Brown brothers and sisters by actively contributing to end White supremacy.
Written by SPOHP staff Elisabeth Rios-Brooks