How I am portrayed by Richard Lainez
1.4 million.
That is the number of Latinxs that identify with the LGBTQ+ community; at least as of 2013. At first glance, the number seems big. It seemed big to me the first time I saw it. But then I realized that it isn’t, this number isn’t so big to my neighbors, my campus, my nation, nor the media.
Whether it is something that is frowned upon or even worse, not talked about, it is something that makes many feel less than — I wish there was a better term that made this feeling much more passionate, much stronger, and gave more depth to this feeling I can’t easily blurt out.
It has made me feel as if I had to choose; choose between identifying and playing to the role given to me by years of colonization, struggle, and culture to that which has been a struggle to accept and come to terms with.
To many out there, this feels as a must- to erase or cover part of one’s identity to portray their other.
I couldn’t and I wouldn’t. I loved the familia I had created and formed a bond with; the one I shed blood, sweat, and tears with but also told my chisme to. However, I also wanted to discover that part of me that was unknown.
The part I at first thought was present because I was too young.
The part I then tried to mask and then tried to downplay.
The part I tried to cover by saying I did like the gender I was, by society’s rules, supposed to like.
The part that made me, for years, insecure and unconfident to say certain things, look at certain people some way, or even involucrate in certain aspects of society.
That part is now uncovered. But it feels new. It feels as if a part of me is brand new; as if I grew an arm and am learning how to use it or if I learned a new language and need to practice.
The thing is, this isn’t new. This isn’t something I just caught or a trend I decided to embark on. It has always been there.
Once here, I didn’t know where to go. Once I discovered and accepted who I was, I thought it was going to be fine. I thought every step of mine would make flowers bloom and the sky be full of sunshine. But that was not the case.
There were days I didn’t know who I was. What I was supposed to do and how I was supposed to act in an environment where I thought my place was supposed to be in a cookie cutter box; as just a statistic, mainly played and shaped by the color of my skin.
Of course, I tried to look for someone like me. Someone who, by my terms, made it. But there were none. When I switched on tv, I was lucky to find a Queer Latino trying to find himself.
If found, he was often sexualized, used as a toy by the media and by the audience. As an eye candy. Although fun, this isn’t the way I am. This is not the way I define myself and carry myself.
This has been something I have for months thought about. For months I did not know what I would do and what I had to do. Why I would wake up and even what my purpose right now in this place was supposed to be. And in some ways, I kinda don’t; but I have hope. I must have it to keep going every day.
I have the hope that one day I won’t have to play one side of me to cater to a particular audience.
I have a hope I can just be me.
I have a hope where showing myself shouldn’t be limited to those I call friends. Where I can say what I feel without any filter. I mean, people other than me say it, so why can’t I. Why must I feel othered.
Even though not happening now, I am trying to make it.
I am trying to make it and be visible in a world where what you look like is all that matters
Where how you act and how you look defines your actions for years to come.
Where if you act a certain way people will close doors to possibilities you had a chance to have you only kept your mouth quiet, your face shut, and your expressions expressionless.
But here is the thing: Don’t. Don’t be afraid to be who you are and act how you were supposed to act.
Don’t be afraid if you feel yourself watched, opposed, or alone. Even though hard, must I tell you it is hard, you will survive. You will make it in one piece happier than you could ever be.
But communicate. Be who you are and express yourself. Defy what others say. Sure, they may say you are reckless and you are creating more harm than good. But you are not. You are helping those often unseen and unheard have validity in themselves.
And no, I am not talking that you have to be queer and latinx to relate. It is whatever conflicting identity you have, express it. Play with it and find your middle ground.
I will be here. We will be here.
We all face the struggle and hardship that is finding one’s identity. Everyone’s struggle is different but still, it is a struggle.
Trust, and be you. Be amazed at what happens after.